Recently I was talking with a friend about insecurity. We were just chatting about ourselves and how hard it is being a woman and comparing ourselves to other women. Comparison is the thief of joy and it’s easy to look at other women and have our joy stolen when we feel we don’t measure up. I told her how lately I’d been working on not handing my security over to other people. It’s like a baton in a 4 person relay. If I hand my security baton over to them, they are in control of how I feel about myself. I want to be in control of how I feel about myself. I don’t want to hand that to others- especially when they don’t even know I have done so! I didn’t think it was that profound but her jaw dropped like it was some really amazing stuff. She wanted to hear more. I thought you might too.
Let me step into therapist mode now and see if I can explain with some common examples of how people might hand their security over to others…..
Example 1:
Elizabeth enjoys posting pictures of herself on social media. Her favorite thing is to see how many likes she will get and read the comments about how good she looks. One day she posted pictures of how she does her makeup. No one commented and only half the amount of people liked the post. Suddenly she started questioning how she looked. At that moment she was passing her security baton over to other people. How she viewed herself was dependent on how other people responded. She felt insecure about it the rest of the day.
Example 2:
Becky had a few minutes at lunch to glance at her Instagram account. As she scrolled she noticed Elizabeth’s pictures of her make up. She immediately started shaming herself for not doing her makeup that day and getting on herself for how she had let herself go. She had been having a rough time lately with migraines. Getting “done up” was the last thing on her priority list. But somehow, even knowing her circumstances, she still felt insecure by Elizabeth’s posts. She handed her security baton over to social media. What she saw that day defined how she felt about herself.
Example 3:
Two sisters have been close since they were little. As adults, they are best friends. One can be judgmental and critical. The other typically feels pretty good about herself, until she spends time with her critical sister. Instead of realizing maybe her sister has a problem, she often walks away from the conversations feeling like something is wrong with her. She starts going over everything she said in the conversation and feels bad about multiple things. Baton handed to sister.
Maybe it’s someone’s bigger house. Or perhaps it’s how a certain person sounds so spiritual so now you feel insecure about your prayer time with God. Maybe it’s your kids grades not being as good as their friends so you feel like a lousy parent.
It’s really easy to allow other people to control how we feel about ourselves. But doing so is as dangerous as handing them all your credit cards, usernames, and passwords and allowing them to control whatever they want with them. That would not be a secure thing to do. Your security would potentially be compromised.
It’s important to understand your own sense of identity and who YOU are. It’s normal to have some of these thoughts but then it’s important to fight them with truths. What does that look like? I’m glad you asked….
Reset Example A:
First of all, be careful of social media and putting things out there to get affirmations. It is a set up to be disappointed and let down. One day you may get what you need but by handing that security baton to social media and other people, you are likely to NOT get what you need on another day. A better thing to do would be to post things that you want to share regardless of other people’s comments. Are you sharing this to feel good about yourself or to connect with others? If Elizabeth does choose to show pictures of her makeup and doesn’t get what she needs, here is a better way to self talk….. Hmm. No one commented on my makeup today. I wonder if it doesn’t look as good as I thought?…. You know what, I like it. I think it looks good. I can feel good about it regardless.
Reset Example B:
Again, be careful of the trap of social media. No one posts what they look like when they wake up in the morning or talks about how bad their breath smells. They only post the good and happy stuff. For Becky, a realistic but better response to herself would be……Wow. Elizabeth’s makeup looks amazing. I look so dumpy lately with my makeup, if I even put it on…… But you know what, I’m going thru a tough season right now. I’m really focusing on my health and getting better, not how I look. I’ll eventually enjoy getting done up again. I’m okay the way I am today.
Reset Example 3:
Once she realizes she is going over and over everything, she can decide to stop the madness by saying to herself……Wait a minute. Why do I do this? I didn’t say anything wrong or bad. I was simply answering her questions honestly. If she is critical of me or judges me, that’s on her. She does that to everyone so I can’t control what she thinks of me. What she thinks is on her. I can still feel good about who I am regardless of what she thinks about me. Baton taken back!
These conversations with ourselves aren’t easy. And it can take it awhile to change from our negative self talk to more secure, positive self talk. But just noticing your insecurity and holding onto it yourself is the first step. The key is to not let others be in control of your security. Especially when they don’t even know they have it.
What kinds of things can you feel good and confident in regardless of how you feel that day or what others think? For me, I try to remind myself that my security comes from being a child of God. He made me for a purpose and I believe I am living out that purpose every day of my life. So no matter what I look like, how I feel, or what people say about me, that never changes. I guess you could say I pass the baton to Him each day. But for me, that is someone I’m willing to hand my security to. It’s safe with Him.
Thank you so much for reading today. I hope it gave you something to think about. Who has your baton?
Natalie
Book recommendation in relation to this post: “So Long Insecurity: You’ve Been A Bad Friend to Us” by Beth Moore https://www.amazon.com/So-Long-Insecurity-Youve-Friend/dp/1414334737