Recently my husband and I were able to find a wonderful place for a date night, just five minutes from our house. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. They had great customer service, it was comfortable, and most important, it was clean and people were social distancing!
Fast forward to a couple weeks later…. Somehow all our children were at their friend’s house on a Friday night! This was unheard of to get another date night in the same calendar month. We decided to go to our new favorite place. The same older gentleman who had waited on us previously was ready to check us out. He saw my name on our card and told me he used to work with a “short redhead named Natalie.” After a couple of minutes of questions, I realized we worked together 23 years ago. My heart literally sank as he pulled down his mask to show me who he was. I had put this trauma in a compartment years ago and tried not to think of it, even when my mind prompted me to do so.
I worked under his supervision for 2 years. During year 2, he started doing things that were uncomfortable to me. I want to make it clear he never assaulted me, however, his comments and his unwanted touch were inappropriate and I continually asked him to stop. I finally had enough and I reported him to HR. I did not want the conflict or the drama, but if I wanted to stay at my job and keep my dignity, it had to stop. Now mind you, this was in 1998 so the #MeToo movement had not yet happened. You can guess what happened. He denied it, I looked like a fool, and he proceeded to treat me as such until I finally quit working there. I just couldn’t take looking at him everyday and knowing I looked like the fool. I was only 25. I regret now not making a stink. I wonder how many girls he did that to after I left. That bothered me more then anything when I would think about it.
You can imagine what seeing him all these years later did to me. I was angry, I had bad dreams, my stomach hurt from the pit in my stomach. Trauma doesn’t discriminate among years and I felt like I was right back in my 25 year-old body. I was thankful to be able to talk with my therapist and through EMDR bring down my response to it. It quickly became a distant memory again and the dreams were gone, as well as the negative physical responses.
Now my husband and I had to deal with the fact that our new favorite hang out was tainted. Even though I personally felt better, I didn’t really want to see him on date night. BUT we really loved the spot. Those of you who know me know that I’m a pretty strong willed person. I’m not one to lie down when there’s been an injustice. I quickly will look it straight in the eyes. So we had to go back. Not to prove anything, just to be able to enjoy our spot we had found to hang out together.
We went in and found our quiet place to sit. I could see him in my peripheral. (Yuck. I was kind of hoping he wasn’t working tonight. Oh well. Let’s just enjoy the night.) We thankfully had another server but about 20 minutes later he approached our table. This is how our conversation went:
Server/past supervisor: “I owe you an apology.”
Me: “Oh yeah?”
Server: “Yes, I didn’t treat you very well when we worked together and I am sorry. I’ve grown up a lot since then and I am sorry for what I did to you.”
I often have a movie playing in my head. Kind of like Ally McBeal. In that moment, I saw my mouth drop to the floor.
Me: “No you didn’t treat me right and I appreciate and accept your apology. I know that took a lot of courage to come over here and do that and I REALLY appreciate it. I forgive you.”
Server: “Thank you. You all enjoy your evening.”
I could not believe this was happening. But most importantly, after I caught my breath, I couldn’t believe the warmth my heart felt! In all my years, I have never had someone outside of family and friends who has hurt me apologize. And there have been some pretty significant events that deem an apology. It felt so healing. In that moment, the oddest thing happened in me. It was like him doing that gave me hope that others who have hurt me are sorry too. Maybe they regret what they have done and wish they could apologize. Perhaps our distance in life hasn’t provided the opportunity. That’s much better then the story I tell myself which is that they still blame me or don’t see what they did to hurt me. Someone finally took accountability! It truly was a sacred moment for me.
I was so grateful my husband was with me to share it. We were dating when all of this happened and he knew the pain I went thru to report that. He supported me in the entire process and in some way, he deserved the hear the apology too.
So what is my point to be this vulnerable and share this with you today?
My first point is to remind us all the power of an apology. When we take accountability for things we have done, it is like a healing balm to those we have wounded. Many times our pride gets in the way of offering such a beautiful gift. I have to believe that he received a gift that night as well. He could let that go and forgive himself now. That wouldn’t have happened if he didn’t have humility and set his pride down before approaching our table.
My second point is to reiterate the power of EMDR. I honestly don’t think I could have gone back to our new favorite spot if I hadn’t had completed the EMDR on this incident. Even though my will is strong, my body remembers and would have seen him as a threat. That’s what I love about this type of therapy- it heals the body and mind of the root of the trauma so we can do the things in our life that we want to do. I was able to “face injustice” so to speak and as a result I received an irreplaceable gift.
I hope this can inspire you to talk to someone today that you may need to make amends with. Now I know there are certain people we do not make amends in person. People who are unsafe or too emotionally unhealthy to handle such an apology unfortunately can’t accept the gift. We have to do that in our own hearts. But if there’s someone who has a wound that you could place some soothing balm on today, I hope you won’t hesitate.
I also hope that if you are considering EMDR, this can inspire you to take that step. It truly is life changing. I feel like I’m watching miracles in my office when I see the trauma lift away.
Thank you for reading today and thank you for allowing me to share this with you. I appreciate every person who reads my blog!
Natalie
ResetWithNatalie.com